Tuesday, 16 March 2010

My Cinema Pet-Hates # 5


#5: Phones in the Cinema.

Looking out through the porthole into the auditorium can sometimes be like looking over the crowd at a Bon Jovi concert. Not because everyone's attention is focused on some middle-aged goober in a state of arrested development desperately trying to cling on to former glories (unless there's a Nicolas Cage film on), but because there is often something resembling a miniature star-field stretching out beneath you. The Bon Jovi crowd might stick to their old-school lighters-aloft ritual, but the cinema crowd are resolutely 21st century.

Mobile phones.

Or cell phones, if you hail from across the water.

Up 'til now, my pet-hate posts have been about just that: small personal irritants that rub me up the wrong way. This, however, is a more like an uber-hate; a universal annoyance that pretty much every member of the cinema-going public will experience (or cause) at some point in their lives, so forgive me if I fly off the handle a bit.

I feel the mobile-phone offender falls into three categories:

The absent minded. Those who forget they have their phone switched on and panic and switch it off sheepishly as soon as it pipes up. They then spend the rest of the film silently cursing themselves for forgetting, even after those comedy adverts that TELL YOU IN BIG FUCK-OFF LETTERS to switch your cocking phone off. These are the mild offenders and should be forgiven with a disapproving glare, for haven't we all made this mistake at one time or another? To err is human.

Next up are the dimwits who try their best not to cause a distraction whilst still using the phone anyway: "I put it on silent, and I was only texting so it wasn't noisy!" Fuck you. I don't want a fucking glowing iphone waving around in the dark in front of me while I'm trying to watch a fucking film. If I wanted a fucking light-show, I would've dropped some acid and gone to a fucking planetarium, you massive shit-weasel. And don't try to hide the light under your jacket, either, that just makes it look like some kid is camping out and reading a dirty book by torchlight in the row in front.

And, obviously, there are the complete fucktards who talk on their phones whilst the movie is on, knowingly and wilfully disrupting the show for everyone and anyone in the vicinity. It should be legal, nay it should be fucking mandatory, for these cunts to be kicked to death by the rest of the audience, allowing the wank-stain on the other end of the line to hear their muffled screams and snapping bones as they beg for their worthless life.

I mean, is there any other commonplace, everyday occurence that shows such flagrant disregard for your fellow man? These spunk-bubbles think that the world revolves around them to the extent that, if their conversation is important to them; it doesn't matter what everybody else in their immediate surroundings has paid hard-earned dollar to do (ie. not listen to some dick-brain puke bullshit into a handset).

I have actually heard of instances when cuntstomers have complained to staff that they couldn't get a phone-signal in the screen. One of them claimed that they were expecting an important call. WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING IN THE CINEMA THEN?!? A place where mobile phones are considered a nuisance at best and a fucking hangable offence at all other times is not the place to wait anxiously to find out if you got the job or if your grandmother's pulled through her surgery or whatever. Fuck off home and watch a DVD!

If you are expecting an important call, put your phone on vibrate, and if you receive said call, get up and LEAVE THE FUCKING THEATRE before answering it.

I genuinely marvel at the mentality of people who get their phones out in the cinema. If you do, you're either selfish, thoughtless, ignorant or just plain stupid. I for one intend to start a campaign for staff to be authorised to twat phone-users with cattle-prods or simply smash the gadget out of their hands and stamp on it whilst screaming "IS THERE A FUCKING APP FOR THAT, MOTHERFUCKER!?!?" in their faces.

That might be quite disruptive in a cinema, but I bet it'd get more applause than any movie.


  1. That was fucking hilarious, and I totally agree on all points.

    I'd say that second to this would be those eat loudly, or slurp their empty pissing drinks.

  2. Hilarious!
    I'll sign the petition!

  3. Dave: Food in the cinema is another pet-hate that's on the burner. Watch this space.

    Stephanie: Thanks for the support. It's good to know we can rely on your vote.

  4. That was one fucking brilliant blog mate, I totally agree same as you I hate phones used in a cinema of all places and well as long distance trains.

    I sign your petition and bring a rope as well.

  5. Ha, that complaint was totally made to me! I'm all famous and shit!
    Seriously though I am no longer able to watch films with the general public as they a bunch of self important idiots! I remember one girl sitting in front of me who checked her phone every 10 minutes for the first half of the film, had anyone text or called her, NO! After much kicking of the back of her chair every time she got said phone out she took the hint and stopped. Moron!

  6. I'd sign too, and fake a couple thousand other signatures. In fact I'd happily do the twatting, why should the staff just get the pleasure?

    I'm not anti-chain cinema but you do get a noticebly different audience in the chain cinemas to the dingy arthouse cinemas. There really is no talking in films unless a little old lady, silver surfer, has forgotten her hearing aid. You get less noisy easters and far less messing around. Even phone screens are rare. Can't remember the last time a phone rang (I suspect the cinemas have phone jamming kit now installed though I'm not sure it's legal, just a hypothesis).

    I still remember watching In The Shadow of The Moon sat next to a total tosspot who was crunching crisps. He didn't know about my facist tendancies when it comes to good films being ruined but he soon did. He also realised he was on uncertain ground when I asked him to be quiet and everyone around agreed. Obviously a contender for the Darwin Awards though as his phone rang 10 mins later. Closest I've come to finding out how Christopher Walker managed to keep that watch up his arse for years....in fact he wound me up so much I passed him in the street leaving the cinema and told him what a selfish knob he was. I was all for dragging him to the spot in Edinburgh where everyone still spits on the Heart of midlothian, and super glue him there.

    So, bring on the petition Mr Mass!
    Ms So so Jeans

  7. between the crack at Nic Cage and the phrases shit-weasel, spunk bubble and wank-stain, I nearly cracked a rib trying not to laugh (I'm "at work"). Agree one hundred percent. My brother texts during movies and it drives me crazy

  8. Geniusly written. I agree on all parts, specifically the big fuck off words at the start of the film that remind us all to be courteous to one another.


  9. I often use my phone at the cinema, I've paid for my ticket so you lot can cock right off. As for food in the cinema.... you guys sell it (at highly inflated prices) so I'll much, crunch, slurp and chat to my hearts content and there is nothing you can do about it.; You over-zealous tit. What's up, no real power in your real life so you need to validate your small minded impotence on the internet. Grow up and get a life.

  10. Pass me your phone anon, and assume the position....

    Ms So So Jeans

  11. Mr Mass,

    Although denying us all the great pleasure involved in your first petition, wouldn't we all be better off with a fucktard detector at the door?

    Ms So So Jeans

    Ps he is right about the mortgage priced food, but that's no excuse to eat like a selfish 2 year old without the penguin bib.

  12. Hilariously true. I freaking love your blog, every post kills me. You are an incredible writer by the way!

  13. I watch movies at home for the comfortable chairs and so I can lay down. Can't see movies in 3D though. Then when I hear a phone ringing I can just press pause :)

  14. Oh my God I totally agree mobiles annoy the crap out of me. If I have paid to watch a film then i don't want it ruined by some idiot talking. The one time I left mine on in a cinema I was mortified and spent the next hour cringing - I turned it off immediately and always double check now!

    Kate xx

  15. Hilarious!
    I just stumbled upon your blog and I'm glad I did. If you don't mind, I'm going to tag along.

  16. that was hilarious and the best use of language i've ever heard in my life...a spunk bubble?!? LOL


  17. I just came across your blog and am loving it.

    I hail from across the water, but am originally from your side. I'm also a manager/projectionist of a large theatre chain and the phone issue is one of my biggest pet peeves.

    These morons actually do exist. I get called out to deal with a complaint. Guy in his 20s is livid, because one of my staff told him to turn of his phone during the movie. Said he didn't know he wasn't supposed to use it while the movie was on. Never mind that he walked past the signs and ignored the ads. Never mind that it is basic common courtesy. He actually told me that he purposely sat in the back row so the light wouldn't bother others (but apparently didn't care that the loud conversations did). He was looking for free passes for his "inconvenience". I refused to give him any so he contacted our head office. Guess what? He got passes and a "reminder" of our cell phone policy. Seriously??

    No wonder the problem is getting worse.