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#5: Phones in the Cinema.
Looking out through the porthole into the auditorium can sometimes be like looking over the crowd at a Bon Jovi concert. Not because everyone's attention is focused on some middle-aged goober in a state of arrested development desperately trying to cling on to former glories (unless there's a Nicolas Cage film on), but because there is often something resembling a miniature star-field stretching out beneath you. The Bon Jovi crowd might stick to their old-school lighters-aloft ritual, but the cinema crowd are resolutely 21st century.
Or cell phones, if you hail from across the water.
Up 'til now, my pet-hate posts have been about just that: small personal irritants that rub me up the wrong way. This, however, is a more like an uber-hate; a universal annoyance that pretty much every member of the cinema-going public will experience (or cause) at some point in their lives, so forgive me if I fly off the handle a bit.
I feel the mobile-phone offender falls into three categories:
The absent minded. Those who forget they have their phone switched on and panic and switch it off sheepishly as soon as it pipes up. They then spend the rest of the film silently cursing themselves for forgetting, even after those comedy adverts that TELL YOU IN BIG FUCK-OFF LETTERS to switch your cocking phone off. These are the mild offenders and should be forgiven with a disapproving glare, for haven't we all made this mistake at one time or another? To err is human.
Next up are the dimwits who try their best not to cause a distraction whilst still using the phone anyway: "I put it on silent, and I was only texting so it wasn't noisy!" Fuck you. I don't want a fucking glowing iphone waving around in the dark in front of me while I'm trying to watch a fucking film. If I wanted a fucking light-show, I would've dropped some acid and gone to a fucking planetarium, you massive shit-weasel. And don't try to hide the light under your jacket, either, that just makes it look like some kid is camping out and reading a dirty book by torchlight in the row in front.
And, obviously, there are the complete fucktards who talk on their phones whilst the movie is on, knowingly and wilfully disrupting the show for everyone and anyone in the vicinity. It should be legal, nay it should be fucking mandatory, for these cunts to be kicked to death by the rest of the audience, allowing the wank-stain on the other end of the line to hear their muffled screams and snapping bones as they beg for their worthless life.
I mean, is there any other commonplace, everyday occurence that shows such flagrant disregard for your fellow man? These spunk-bubbles think that the world revolves around them to the extent that, if their conversation is important to them; it doesn't matter what everybody else in their immediate surroundings has paid hard-earned dollar to do (ie. not listen to some dick-brain puke bullshit into a handset).
I have actually heard of instances when cuntstomers have complained to staff that they couldn't get a phone-signal in the screen. One of them claimed that they were expecting an important call. WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING IN THE CINEMA THEN?!? A place where mobile phones are considered a nuisance at best and a fucking hangable offence at all other times is not the place to wait anxiously to find out if you got the job or if your grandmother's pulled through her surgery or whatever. Fuck off home and watch a DVD!
If you are expecting an important call, put your phone on vibrate, and if you receive said call, get up and LEAVE THE FUCKING THEATRE before answering it.
I genuinely marvel at the mentality of people who get their phones out in the cinema. If you do, you're either selfish, thoughtless, ignorant or just plain stupid. I for one intend to start a campaign for staff to be authorised to twat phone-users with cattle-prods or simply smash the gadget out of their hands and stamp on it whilst screaming "IS THERE A FUCKING APP FOR THAT, MOTHERFUCKER!?!?" in their faces.
That might be quite disruptive in a cinema, but I bet it'd get more applause than any movie.