Sunday, 7 March 2010

My Perfect Movie

Kid in the Front Row set a task on his blog that caught my imagination. The setup is as follows:

"Who would make, and star, in your perfect movie? You can use anyone dead or alive, but you can only use someone once. So, for example, you can't have a 'writer/director.'"

Clear? Well, here's mine:

Written By

Shane Black

My perfect movie would be a buddy action-comedy neo-noir about two detectives, from the pen of Shane Black. Black pretty much invented the buddy genre (Lethal Weapon), and has a knack for the perfect balance of comedy, pathos, thrills and spills, with pithy, punchy dialogue as par for the course. He needs more work, n'all, even if he is apparently directing a "Doc Savage" movie in the near future.

Directed By

David Fincher

The Finch would bring the perfect level of murky grit and fearless brutality seen in "Seven", the none-more-black humour of "Fight Club" and an unswerving, almost Kubrickian perseverence of vision. He also has a swell beard and hat combo, so you know he's a proper director.

Director of Photography

Roger Deakins

There's only one DP I can think of off the top of my head, and it's simply because he is beyond awesome. Pixar got him in to be a lighting advisor on "Wall*e" for crying out loud! Just look at this selected filmography (cribbed from IMDb), and think of all the indelible images he lit and photographed:

Revolutionary Road (2008)
The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford (2007)
No Country for Old Men (2007)
Jarhead (2005)
The Village (2004)
A Beautiful Mind (2001)
The Man Who Wasn't There (2001)
O Brother, Where Art Thou? (2000)
The Big Lebowski (1998)
Kundun (1997)
Fargo (1996)
Dead Man Walking (1995)
The Shawshank Redemption (1994)
The Hudsucker Proxy (1994)
Barton Fink (1991)
Mountains of the Moon (1990)
Sid and Nancy (1986)

PLUS: He looks remarkably like a cross between Jon Pertwee and a Mr Whippy Ice-Cream!


Howard Shore

Not in bombastic, operatic LOTR mode, but in his broody, sinister, atmospheric setting as heard in various Cronenberg films and his work with Fincher himself. Then he can bust out the rousing stuff for the action scenes.


Roderick Jaynes

Introducing the only fictional character in the crew. Jaynes is a psuedonym used by the Coen brothers when they edit. The Coens' slick, assured editing would go with Fincher's smooth stark style like icing on a sexy cake. Black, Deakins and Fincher being cut by the Coens? Creamy.


Humphrey Bogart

Bogart is noir. Boozy, grouchy, witty, permanently wreathed in smoke. He's a man's man on a mission and not to be messed with. As the older half of the buddy pairing, we'll be going with an "African Queen" sort of period Bogey.

Harrison Ford

As Bogey's mis-matched partner, we'll be hiring a young, cocky Harrison Ford. Earthy and blokey enough to give Bogey a run, but also charming and charismatic enough to steal the show and the audience's hearts.

Monica Bellucci

It's not a film noir without a femme fatale, and they don't come much more fatale than Bellucci. Drifting between ethereal beauty and commanding sexuality, she would be dynamite between Bogey and Fordo (not literally. Well, depends on how the script develops). Plus, she is an absolutely fearless performer (read: does nudity).

Marilyn Monroe

Serving as the ultimate antithesis to Bellucci's smoulder would be bright and innocent Marilyn, playing a similar naive tone to Sugar from "Some Like it Hot", but with a dash of the sly nature of Lorelei in "Gentlemen Prefer Blondes". If Bellucci is the femme fatale, then Monroe must be the detectives' secretary, or the grieving widow of a murder victim or summat.


Groucho Marx

Out of his usual uniform, of course, Groucho plays a motor-mouth informant who gives important exposition with a side order of wisecracks. May be killed towards the end of the second act.

Anne Ramsey

The scariest woman in cinema history would have to play somebody's terrible mother or the head of some crime family or summat. She'd even scare Bogey and Fordo. And probably kick the shit out of them, too.

Micheal J Fox

A young, spritely MJF would be the perfect antidote to the blokey leads. Playing some sort of cheeky street-hoodlum, or a rookie cop or summat, heading for a fall. Also may be killed toward the end of the second act.

Natalie Portman

A "Leon" period Portman would be cast as a waif or homeless urchin, or maybe somebody's daughter or summat. Whatever, her precocious, wise-beyond-her-years kid brings out the fatherly instinct in our leads. May get kidnapped at the end of the second act.

I think the title would either be "A Life in Ashes", "The Long Crawl" or "Denny and Bongo Fuck Shit Up". Bogey is Denny and Ford is Bongo.

Somebody get me a time-machine/re-animation device/cloning kit and let's get this sucker made!


  1. You've forgotten Sam Worthington and Uwe Boll, you nonce.

  2. No, they are busy with my other perfect movie: Uwe Boll's "Jet Set Willy", a big-budget adaptation of the classic video-game starring Sam Worthington as Willy and Eddie Murphy as the wife he is eternally avoiding. Murphy will be in a fat suit. And playing a white person.