Tuesday, 13 April 2010

Upcoming Films that Fill me With Dread

Here's some films that are due out this year which make me wish I didn't have eyes and ears.

As some of these films are a long way from release, they don't have official stills or trailers so, in that case, simply read the words and try to use your mental imaging faculties to create an impression of what the film might look like. It's fun!



(All opinions featured in this post are completely unfounded and speculative and liable to be revoked without notice. Post contains strong language)



The Back-Up Plan


Jennifer Lopez in a comedy. You need more? It's about artificial insemination. More? The trailer features a scene where she faints and falls into a birthing pool. There we go. J-Lo doused in blood and excrement and afterbirth. If this were a documentary, I would be queueing already.


Resident Evil: Afterlife


Why? Why do these movies keep happening? The series started out badly and got worse and worse. It's like having a 6 year old talk you through the plot of the video games, trying to convince you how awesome they are by doing gun-noises and waving his arms about. And all the fuss that trailer makes about the 3D? As if the series wasn't an empty exercise in juvenile style-over-substance in the first place, now they're going to try to dazzle us by wafting things in front of our eyes. I wonder if Milla Jovovich's face will be airbrushed beyond recognition in this one?


Sex and the City 2


I heard Kim Catrall on the radio saying that she would be docked a lot of pay if she revealed any spoilers about this film. Let me save her the trouble: It's about a quartet of vapid cunts stumbling around manhatten, gurning about shoes and cock and then going to another country and gurning about shoes and cock. And then one of them gets married. Or has a baby. Or gets divorced.


The Karate Kid


First off: Karate Kid didn't need remaking. It's either a nostalgic childhood classic or a dated piece of eighties memorabilia, depending on your point of view. Either way, updating it is an excercise in futility. The fact that this seems to be the result of Jayden Smith saying "Mommy, Daddy, can I have my own movie? PLEASE?" is just extra insulting (Will and Jada produced it). Plus, how hard would it have been to call it "The Kung-Fu Kid"? Kung-Fu is mentioned throughout the trailer and the film's set in China, where Kung-Fu is much more common than Karate. Fucking brand recognition. Oh, and I think someone, somewhere has a voodoo-doll of Jackie Chan which they keep putting in shit.


Grown-Ups


It's like the shit-comedian perfect-storm. A veritable Z-team of hilarity-voids. I fully expect that, after watching this film, any ounce of good-humour will have been forcibly vaccuumed from my heart. And Chris Rock doesn't count. He's not made a funny film for years, if any. Just watch that fucking trailer. Sandler. Spade. Schneider. Kevin James falling down. Schneider kisses an old woman! Maria Bello breast-feeds a four year-old kid! With HILARIOUS CONSEQUENCES! There's a fucking rope-swing gag, for fuck's sake! "Oh, I've got an idea, let's put a fat guy on a rope swing! Everyone's gonna think he'll fall off, right? So we'll confound expectations by having him hit a tree! And then fall off." Salma Hayek and Maria Bello continue the bizarre wish-fulfilment tradition of beautiful women pairing up with schlubby blokes in terrible comedies (see also Couples Retreat), and Steve Buscemi's in it apparently, n'all. FOR SHAME!


Unstoppable

A rail company frantically works to prevent an unmanned, half-mile-long freight train carrying combustible liquids and poisonous gas from wiping out a city.Denzel Washington and Tony Scott re-team on what sounds like a re-hash of an old episode of "Due South". Or that "Death Train" TV movie with James Bond and Professor X.

Oh, and I couldn't find a picture from "Unstoppable", so here's one from that "Due South" episode:




Beastly


Are you getting a little dry, waiting for the next Twilight film? Well, fear not, because here's that lowest thing imaginable, a TWILIGHT RIPOFF! Oh, it's "Beauty and the Beast" updated! Fuck off, it is. It's a mopey teen cash-in with another young fitty with his top off to get the twi-hards damp enough to tide them over till "Sunrise" or whatever the fuck it's called. The main character is a superficial twat, so one of the Olsen twins (I shit ye not) puts a curse on him to make him ugly. Which apparently involves making him bald and have tattoos. The entire Maori race should be up in arms about this film. And NPH is in it. Why, Dr Horrible, WHY?


Piranha 3D


As a concept alone, this film would've been one to look forward to. 3D stupid horror about killer fish chasing birds in bikinis? Hooper from Jaws and Doc Brown and Fat Vern from Stand By Me? Genius. Then I saw the (very poor quality above)trailer and realised it would be a parade of shonky CGI, ropey post-prod 3D and phoned in performances. What could've been "so bad it's good", looks more like being "so bad it's bum-burger".


The Twilight Saga: Eclipse


So this is the one where it all kicks off right? That's why they hired the director of "30 Days of Night", isn't it? Then why does the trailer look exactly like the previous film? How can something that pompously anounces itself as a "Saga" be so dramatically inert? Oh, poor Bella can't decide between Edward's twinkly torso and Jacob's muscular man-tits, whatever will she do? The Ginger Vampire Girl has regenerated into Ron Howard's daughter, but is still running around the forest looking for some narrative momentum, and Dakota Fanning is giving them shit again. "I 'm gonna fight for you until your heart stops beating"? Is that supposed to be romantic, because it sounds a lot like a psycho-stalker threat. Oh, I forgot; Twilight fans can't tell the difference. Absolute arse-dribble.


Yogi Bear

Oh, just fuck off.

9 comments:

  1. Grown-Ups does look odious. When I watch American comedies like that (I'm not, you know, pre-judging it or anything) I just get annoyed. Comedy isn't THAT hard, right? How can so many people, who've got so far in their careers, get it so wrong?

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  2. The girl who plays the crazy sister of the main sparklepire is hot.

    Like crazy hot.

    What I'm trying to say here is DAYUM THEMS SOME FINE TITTAYS.

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  3. ugh, the karate kid hurts me. why not make it take place in japan? why not have a Japanese man teach mini-Smith karate? why not NOT say the word KUNG-FU FIFTY FUCKING TIMES in your trailer before shamelessly showing the title screen Karate Kid? >.< i hate everyone ever.

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  4. Your comments about all these movies have just made me want to go see them so I can shout your abuse at the screen! Thanks for the best laugh I've had in ages :)

    http://naughty-nessie.blogspot.com/

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  5. Chris: The thing is that each one of those "comedians" is capable of being very funny (well, maybe not Schneider). It's almost like they CHOOSE to make terrible films just for the cash. That can't be the case, can it?

    Stark: Tittays do not a worthwile cinematic experience make!

    Sugar: I feel you.

    Ness: Don't pay money to see these films, just wait outside and shout at the people who do. Glad you laughed.

    Thanks all for reading and comments!

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  6. I think Grown Ups might be funny in the same fasion as any other Happy Madison film has been.

    I am waiting for the new Twilight only because I have not read the books like 60% of the people out there I am interested in the story line of it all even though the amount of garbage sold and advertised out there sickens me.

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  7. Ok sooo I put in my little list of movies I wanna watch:

    - SEX IN THE CITY
    - ECLIPSE-WILIGHT SAGA

    UUUMM... ILL TRY WATCH THE REST OF THEM.. DUNNO BUT I ACTUALLY RELLY LIKE UR BLOG AND IN MY OPINION YOU'RE AN AMAZIIN BLOGGER...

    XXX LITTLE FIII

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  8. Shit. I just tried commenting but it didn't work. Agggghh. This is the gist of it, though:
    1.) Sex & The City takes place in some middle eastern country this time. Not Manhattan. :p
    2.) J-Lo should not be allowed to appear in film.
    3.) You nailed Grown Ups on the head. All of those guys should have ended their careers in the 90's when everyone still loved them.
    4.) Eclipse = automatic fail. Kristen Stewart can't act. At all. She was OK in Adventureland, because she was supposed to be stoned the whole time. Plus, it's a Twilight movie.
    5.) Unstoppable: WHO WOULD PUT THEIR EXPLOSIVE LIQUID AND POISON GAS ON THE SAME TRAIN!?!?!
    6.) Piranha 3D looks like the kind of movie I would enjoy a lot, because I have a weak spot for bad horror films. But it also looks like it has the potential to be like Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus and have one good scene and the rest will be crap. In which case, I'll be extremely sad.

    Cool blog, by the way. I believe I'm going to start following it. :)

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  9. I have to agree again. These supposedly star powered or hit comedies or effects and teen dreams not only not do it for me, but just put me off of going to the movies entirely!

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