Wednesday, 28 July 2010

What the World Needs Now: Sequels, Remakes and Reboots!

THIS POST IS PRESENTED IN AFFILIATION WITH THE KID IN THE FRONT ROW "SEQUELS, REMAKES AND REBOOTS" BLOGATHON

Hollywood is all damp-in-the-pants for sequels, remakes and reboots at the moment. An established title is a proven product is a sound investment. So, if they're going to spend all their time rehashing/revisiting old properties, then why not do some that deserve it?

Here's a list of some films that I reckon are dying for sequelisation, remakifying and rebooticating. Some are genuine, others are even more genuine:


ANYTHING WRITTEN BY SHANE BLACK DESERVES A SEQUEL WRITTEN BY SHANE BLACK.



"Last Boy Scout" and "Kiss Kiss Bang Bang" are both dying for sequels. Perhaps a dream-team cross-over where Harry and Gay Perry go toe-to-toe with Joe Hallenbeck and Jimmy Dix? RDJ, Val Kilmer, Bruce Willis and that one Wayans brother? You know you want it.

With Mel Gibson systematically revealing himself as a homophobic, anti-Semitic, misogynistic, racist, drunk psycho, maybe it's time to give someone else a shot at playing crazy Riggs in a "Lethal Weapon" reboot? You could get Michael Bay to direct it, get Shia LaBeouf in the legendary mullet and hell, get Mr T to play Murtaugh. Cue lots of knowing in-jokes about "giant robots" and "getting on planes, sucka" that all the kids will be quoting in the playground. Oh and it'll be set in a high-school in Los Angeles. Or something.


HUDSON HAWK



One of the most under-rated comic-adventures of all time positively demands a sequel. Eddie and Five Tone return, but Andie McDowell is too busy selling shampoo or some shit, so she gets replaced by someone actually attractive and/or funny and the team go off on a wacky "DaVinci Code"-style romp across the globe in search of some historical artifact or another, all while singing perfectly timed club-standards. You could even drag Michael Lehmann out of his TV wonderland and get him making films again, cos everyone knows that "Hudson Hawk" was his magnificent octopus. That's right, better than "Heathers".


NAUSICAA OF THE VALLEY OF THE WIND



I'm not usually one for remaking foreign films, or animated films for that matter, but there are a couple that I think you could make into gob-smacking live-action pictures, using modern cinematic techniques. Nausicaa tells of a strange world where humans are forced to co-exist with giant insects, poisonous fauna and awesome flying machines, and a Princess who must do a load of stuff and bring peace to the world and yadda yadda yadda. Cameron nicked the jungle from "Avatar" off the forests in this flick, so apply that technicality to Nausicaa's effects, get some limber young starlet to climb on the glider for Nausicaa, flesh out the cast with character actors, re-use Joe Hisaishi's score, and HEY PRESTO! It's the new "Last Airbender"! Oh. Right.


AMERICAN BEAUTY



Lester's family bring him back to life via a voodoo curse. Whenever he hears the song "I Touch Myself" by Divinyls, his corpse is reanimated. The family have to overcome a sinister government plot - led by nasty, closeted-gay nazi Chris Cooper - to use Lester to assassinate the President, and get his body interred before sundown or he will remain a dancing zombie forever. Thora Birch flaps her norks out and Wes Bentley looks at a binbag, just like you remember from the other film. Kevin Spacey is too busy being a theatre queen and Annette Bening isn't allowed in films anymore because her face has become too much like a pointy horseshoe, so their parts will be played by Chris Tucker and Ned Beatty, respectively.


NO SHIT, SHERLOCK!



"No shit, Sherlock!" is the latest re-imaginterpretation of Conan Doyle's Sherlock Holmes stories. Set in a Los Angeles of the not-too-distant future, Holmes is now a no-nonsense private-eye who plays by his own rules, aided by state-of-the-art sci-fi technology and his trusty sidekick, veteran of the LA gangwars, "Doc" Watson. Armed with such catchphrases as "'Sup Holmes?" and "The game's afoot, motherfucker!" this is Holmes for a whole new generation, whilst staying true to the source material and offering plenty of injokes and references to keep old-school fans happy. Holmes to be played by Jason Statham and Watson to be played by Ice Cube. With a massive afro.


HARRY POTTER

As realisation sets in that they are about to wrap up one of their most lucrative franchises, expect Warners to reboot Harry Potter within the next year or two. An all-new cast and a hipper slant will open the franchise up to everyone who thought Potter was "gay" and "for kids": Now set in a LA High School, the kids will all be played by people acting half their age:


Harry (Channing Tatum) is an orphaned bare-knuckle boxer from the wrong side of the tracks, Hermione (Kat Dennings) is a super-hot but implausibly unpopular emo-girl, and Rod (Rupert Grint in the only hold-over from "Classic Potter") keeps getting stuff wrong and falling over and that. Line up the finest in American Acting Talent as the teachers and villains (George Clooney as Principal Dumbledore, Tom Cruise as Doctor Steven Snape) and you have another sure-fire hit franchise which will keep the money pouring in for the next fifteen years.


QUANTUM LEAP




Need I say more?

9 comments:

  1. haha, great stuff. some of this was hilarious.

    sequel to KKBB? Interesting. Have you seen the trailer to DUE DATE? There's something a bit Kiss Kiss Bang Bang about it. Maybe it's just me.

    Anyways, Downey is Mr. A List now. Not sure he'd go back to doing a film like that (even though it was only five years ago). Although, he might do it as a favour -- afterall, a lot of careers were saved/reignited by KKBB!

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  2. I'd love to see the Quantum leap remake

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  3. I shouldn't be laughing this hard at work. You're going to get me fired :p ...and I would so totally watch Quantum Leap feat. The Mighty Boosh

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  4. having a nausicaa valley of the wind remake is an amazing idea...

    i'd pay an absurd amount of money to see Peter Jackson or Guillermo Del Toro get on that

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    1. I want to see more of our princess!!!!

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  5. Kid: I thought "Due Date" looks more like "Planes, Trains and Automobiles"! If Downey did a KKBB sequel now that people know who he is again, maybe people would actually watch this one!

    Fizzee: It needs to be done.

    Maf: Maybe they could remake it with Adam & Joe?

    Sugar: Apologies for jeopardising your employment.

    Trailer: Jackson or Del Toro would be great choices!

    Thanks for reading, folks!

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  6. Pahahaha! That was pretty funny! "'Sup Holmes"!

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  7. I love Hudson Hawk so hard, has possibly the best one liner ever delivered in a film. *chops off mans head* "Looks like you won't be attending that hat convention in July"

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