Sunday, 29 August 2010

James Cameron: Scrooge McDick?


James Cameron did quite well with "Avatar". The film grubbed up 2.7 billion dollars worldwide, beating Cameron's own "Titanic" to become the highest grossing film ever made.

The word on the information super-street is that Cameron himself poured roughly $350 million of that into his own pocket.

$350 million is not enough for James Cameron.

He wants more.

The Extended Edition of "Avatar" was released on Friday, complete with a whopping EIGHT WHOLE MINUTES of additional footage which will surely revolutionise the story and themes of the already two-hour forty-minutes of interstellar holiday video that the original cut was.

You saw it in Imax! You saw it in 3D! You saw it on DVD and Blu-Ray! Now, see "Avatar" almost exactly as you've seen it before!

According to Cameron, the logic behind this is that they "left money on the table" when "Avatar" got shunted from 3D screens to make way for "Alice in Wonderland". They left money on the table? How big was the fucking table? I bet James Cameron goes around restaurants sweeping left-overs into doggy bags and stealing out of tip-dishes. This guy wants the moon on a stick.

And, if an extra eight minutes isn't enough Pandora action to satisfy your Na'vi lust, just you wait! There's a special box-set of the film scheduled for release in November which contains an entire QUARTER OF AN HOUR of extra scenes!

So those of you who are big fans of the Blue Cat Group will have to stump up again and again to stay in the loop with what's hip on Pandora.

I genuinely think Cameron is being very cynical here. The "Lord of the Rings" extended cuts all featured at least half an hour of additional scenes, the documentaries were worth the price alone, and you didn't have to pay extra to stick plastic goggles on your face.

It could be argued that he is giving people who missed it the first time around the chance to see the film as God (James Cameron, in his own mind) intended, but phrases like "we left money on the table" make his intentions seem a little bit sinister, and who didn't see it first time round anyway? The money "left on the table" would've mostly belonged to people going for the fourth or fifth time, stroking themselves into raptures whilst fantasising about living on another planet and linking ponytails with a giant blue chick.

Add all this to the fact that Cameron is planning a sequel to "Avatar" which promises to be even duller and more preachy than the first one because, apparently, Cameron was told by some South American tribe that he related to the Na'vi that, rather than resorting to action-violence, they "have decided to try to solve [their] problems through dialogue". So say goodbye to the only redeeming feature of "Avatar" (the action) and say hello to intergalactic political debate and peace negotiations! Apparently Cameron thinks the next movie "needs a better message". Cos what's even more entertaining than ham-fisted preaching about conservation and military oppression is preaching about peace and love and can't we all just get along, isn't it? Go and hug a motion captured tree, Cameron. Fucking space politics.


Meanwhile Cameron is not only laughing all the way to the bank, he is chuckling all the way to his collossal vault filled with cash, sniggering all the way to the changing rooms, giggling over to poolside in his swimming cossie, chortling up the ladder to the diving board and guffawing his way through a swan dive into a pool of cash siphoned from the wallets of gullible Avatards. Then he is swimming about like Scrooge McDick, thinking up other ways to suck more money from the "Avatar" cock.


And he's gonna 3Dify "Titanic" and re-release that shit as well. Cos, let's face it, what that crass, simplistic, soap-opera trivialisation of a huge fucking human disaster really needs is to be converted into a three hour fairground ride so we can all go "Oooh, 3D" when Kate Winslet gets her tits out.

10 comments:

  1. It is for posts like this that I follow your blog. haha
    It baffles my mind. Course the people who were talking about having suicidal thoughts when it left theaters the first time baffle me as well.

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  2. haha very funny you dumbass faggot

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  3. Mass you made me laugh so fucking hard I almost pissed myself. You're a funny guy. Awesome blog. Personally I hate 3D. It gives me a headache and I don't want to wear glasses on my face for an entire movie just so I can see shit pop out at me. Anyone who buys that new Avatar even though they already own it is a fucking asshole and deserves to have the $20 taken away to feed a starving child. Fucking James Cameron. Although I loved Titanic. Not enough to buy it again though!

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  4. I agree with the first three words of anonymous' comment. James Cameron seems to be taking a leaf out of the George Lucas' book of being a giant douche. 'Remastering' previous works until they are unrecognisable and then creating overlong films about space politics that make people die inside.

    Great post, its good to know people feel the same way!

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  5. Who the fuck are you internet warriors to tell people what to spend their money on ? Get a job and maybe you can buy what you want instead of spending all your money on burgers and slagging people off online, who are better and richer than you, Pointless Cunts

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  6. Wow. The anonymous comments here are getting a little heated. What was that thing you wrote about Avatards? I didn't realize this movie was so "awesome" that anonymous people feel the need to resort to calling names and swearing at bloggers.

    Anyway, awesome post. The Avatar movie was stupid. I'm glad I didn't pay to see it in theaters because I probably would've walked out. I could barely sit through the blue-ray DVD version. And when they touched pony tails? Seriously felt like I was watching animated porn. By the end I knew the idea had come from the Pocahontas story, except the Native Americans became alien Navi, and British became the Astronaut Earthlings. Really though, an extra 8 minutes of Avatar would probably make me want to gouge my own eyes out with a fork.

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  7. Great post.I still havent seen Avatar and after reading this its even less likely that I'll bother.
    As for re-releasing Titanic that really is taking the piss !!

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  8. I went to the re release last night because I never got around to seeing it in theaters (though I did watch the Blu ray once). I wanted to see it in 3d. While its not a great movie, I don't think it necessarily deserves the hate its getting. Some of the new scenes filled in some gaps and made it flow a bit better but they could have waited for the extened Blu ray/dvd.

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  9. I hate James Cameron. And the idea of him making an Avatar II without the action and MORE preaching? Well let's just say I vomited in my mouth a little.

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  10. Hey Sprocket, I'm digging the blog, although the design template seems oddly familiar. As far as Avatar goes, I think I'm one of about 3 people who haven't seen. Nor do I plan to. It insists upon itself.

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