Sunday, 3 October 2010

Guest Post: Laura's Worst Film

I engaged in a blogging challenge with Laura over at Small Doses of Bigger Things. The idea was that I would suggest a topic for her to blog about and post the result to my blog and vice versa. You can see the short story I wrote for her here.

My demand was that she write about the worst film she ever saw. She chose a film that I believe is much unfairly maligned, so expect a defence of it from me some time in the near future.

Until then, enjoy Laura's review and pop over to check out the rest of her blog. She's just getting started and is actually trying to do something useful with her space on the internet, unlike most of us!

Oh, and I might make this a semi-regular thing if anyone's interested. Leave me a comment if you fancy venting about your most hated (or beloved) film of all time from my webspace, and we'll talk!

Heeeeere's Laura:


The Year 1995 -The Event....

The Blockbuster movie everyone’s been waiting for.


Seat gripping, teeth grinding, all out heart-stopping adventure-filled, action-packed most suspensful super movie of the summer...complete with 2 hours and 15 minutes of…..


Yep, you guessed it, Water!

By now you are probably wondering, “What is she going on about?” Here’s a clue…Waterworld. Okay, maybe I gave it away but unlike this movie’s never-ending blather to get to the point, I didn’t want to leave you “drifting into the sea of boredom” like I was when I watched it.

Allow me first to say, although I completely despised “Waterworld” for its lackluster of acting ability, coupled with downright ludicrous scenes of ridiculous mayhem, it did have some good moments. The overall concept was interesting, the special effects were somewhat creative, and the imagery of the ocean was captured beautifully, (as many times I found myself day dreaming about the houseboat I want instead of actually watching the movie). Not to mention Dennis Hopper, who played Deacon, the ringleader of the bad guys, he depicted exceptionally well; considering the writers seemingly limited ability to string a sentence together.

Good stuff aside, let me get to the reason I’m writing about this truly awful movie. This was a challenge to me from “TheUnwashedMass,” another blogger here on blogger.com, whose challenge was for me to write about the worst movie I ever saw. Waterworld takes the prize. So on with the “review.”

The opening scene gave me that overwhelming desire to hurl and the sea sickness hadn’t even begun. Kevin Costner, the lead character, “Mariner,” opened this film by urinating into a plastic container and pouring it into some purifying device so he could drink it. EEWW! All I could think was; if you can purify your piss, why can’t you purify the water from the ocean?

I guess you could say I’m not much of a Kevin Costner fan. Throughout this entire movie-as with all his other movies, he has no facial expression. There is no emotion whatsoever in his feeble attempt at fear, shock, surprise, anger, remorse, pain, etc…In every scene he looked like this...


(unless his mouth was open). It makes me wonder if he had some Botox or plastic surgery procedure to keep his face from showing emotion-It’s a little creepy. Not to mention his monotone voice, which I swear he uses to send subliminal messages “You must keep watching, don’t turn away,” repeatedly, as I wanted to run out of the theater screaming for the box office to refund my money! And by the way, he is also equipped with gills and webbed feet. I’m guessing the film needed to have some form of cinematic mutation to keep things “afloat.” His only redeeming quality was he did look good in those tight pirate-inspired pants.

Roughly 33 minutes into the movie, while I’m patiently waiting for the plot to thicken before getting “submerged” in my thoughts of how to make him at least wince, the action begins. Boats, jet skis, a plane, (wait...what?!) as well as arrows-of-fire and ammunition. (I’m still confused about the plane, but ammunition too?) It’s the “Smokers” (the bad guys) coming to visit the trading station in a less than amicable manner. During the first 33 minutes we are briefly made aware of the pre-teen girl with a tattoo of a map on her back (which by the way is just wrong….who does that to a child?) Anyway, after several minutes of this battle and Mariner escaping with the girl “Enola,” played by Tina Majorino, and the leading lady “Helen,” played by Jeanne Tripplehorn, we finally get some sort of clue to the plot.

Apparently Enola is being hunted by the Smokers for her tattoo because it is a map to dry land; something no one has seen or touched in hundreds of years, since Earth sank to the bottom of the ocean. The Smokers wanted the map. Helen has been protecting Enola, but we really don’t know why or where Enola even came from, or how she got to the trading station, and for whatever reason, Enola can’t swim…UH HELLOOOO….water movie!

Perhaps the most disappointing factor of this movie is why Helen has to be such a helpless and stupid character? Seriously? In one of the scenes as the Smokers are chasing them…in a plane, while the trio (Mariner, Helen, and Enola) are on a boat, Helen asks the dumbest question, “Can’t we outrun them?” And not only does she ask one dumb question, she asks several more. The script was obviously written by some obsessive compulsive man with an irrational view that women should be barefoot and pregnant, while the man does the hunting/gathering. (Absolutely caveman in philosophy, if you ask me… Me hunt, you cook! Grunt –grunt.) Long before the end of the movie, I think my eyes were terminally stuck in my forehead from rolling them at her crappy role. (I do hope something better came along for her.)

A little background on the bad guys: They were affectionately known as “Smokers” because they….well they smoked cigarettes? There were so many questions regarding these kinds of things that my head felt like it would explode at any given second. Where did they get the cigarettes, there was no land to cultivate tobacco on. Better yet, later in the movie Deacon is throwing boxes of them into his crowd of followers. Here’s the thing though, the earth has been buried at the bottom of the ocean for hundreds of friggin years! Even cigarettes wrapped in boxes with cellophane won’t survive the water that long. Yes, logic says they swam to the bottom of the ocean and retrieved many earthly things including war toys, the plane, and booze, but cigarettes? Really?

Time for more action, or the threat of it anyway…Mariner took Helen to the bottom of the ocean to show her the earthly goods. By took her, I mean she climbed into a plastic bubble contraption and he dragged her down with a rope, meanwhile leaving Enola alone on the boat. No surprise what happens next; yep, the Smokers come by for a not so friendly visit and board the boat. Mariner and Helen rise out of the water to be taken hostage and killed if they don’t divulge where Enola is, as by now she has gone into hiding. Neither Helen nor Mariner speaks and Deacon threatens to shoot them both if she doesn’t appear. While Deacon fires bullets into the air, Enola suddenly appears screaming “No” and blows her cover. A fight breaks out and Mariner’s boat is set ablaze, and Enola is taken by the Smokers leaving Mariner to save the day.

Just when I thought this couldn’t get any worse…Mariner plays the “lone-hero.” He ventured out from his newfound ship and located the enemy. As he boarded their ship alone, he was battled by guards, while Deacon was giving a speech to his freakish followers (By the way, this was probably the best line in the movie) proclaiming, “We shall suck and savor the sweet flavor of dry land.” Again, the writers leave something to be desired but Dennis Hopper made this rather amusing.


Mariner does save Enola, after more fighting and then blowing up the ship with a flare, as he dropped it into the oil pit of the ship. They escape in the balloon…(yeah, just go with it) but wait, not before Deacon grabs the rope they are being hoisted from. Deacon grabbed Enola by the foot and she struggled and kicked almost losing her grip. From inside the basket of the balloon, Helen throws a bottle hitting Deacon in the head forcing him to lose his grip and fall back into the water. Mariner and Enola climb to the safety of the balloon but Enola gets knocked off the edge when Deacon fired his weapon and she fell back into the water, where Deacon and two of his cronies were waiting to snatch her again. Mariner once again playing the lone-hero, ties a rope to his ankle while his helpers tie the rope down to the balloon. He dives off the balloon headed for the water, sweeps Enola out of the water and is…wait it wasn’t a rope, it was a bungee cord and they are bungeed all the way back to the balloon. During which time, the jet skis collide, sending Deacon and the other two Smokers into the air in a huge ball of fire.

We have finally arrived to the end result of this movie but let me just ask; what part of any of this is believable? I know it’s a movie and made for entertainment purposes but c’mon the audience (me) is fighting boredom! I am still not really sure why I watched it, other than to appease the person I was with at the time, being this was 15 years ago (though I did have to watch it again to write this review). We still don’t know how Enola got to the trading station, though we finally know that dry land is where she came from. Now, I won’t give away the rest of the movie, because some may not have seen it, but I will say this…Bring a snorkel and some flippers, just in case you want to survive the drowning effect of the boredom you might experience while watching this dreadful joke of a movie.

4 comments:

  1. That was quite an enjoyable review, but I will admit that it kind of made me want to see it. It may be terribly done but a world with no land is a pretty interesting premise. Well done!

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  2. Thanks for posting this Mass, and thanks for engaging in the challenge. I definitely enjoyed the experience and stepping out of my comfort zone with writing abilities.

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  3. Its been a while but I think I remember Mel chopping the kids hair off and throwing her in the water. Made the rest of the movie worth while.

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  4. Carolyn: I do think Laura was a little harsh on this flick. Stay tuned for an opposing review.

    Laura: cheers to you too! I enjoyed your review and writing about something other than films and my job for a change. I hope you'll pop back for my defence of Waterworld!

    Midnite: that does happen, but who's Mel? This isn't "Mad Max: Wet n Wild". It might as well be, though.

    Cheers for comments!

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