Monday, 18 October 2010

Vampires Suck: Cinematic Afterbirth

It is a well documented fact that I do not like the "Twilight" series. In fact, I detest almost everything about it. So, a scattershot spoof of the movies should be right up my street, right?

Fuck off.

This is the latest cinematic afterbirth from Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer, the fuck-knuckles behind such monumental shit-torrents as "Meet the Spartans" and a whole load of arse-belches bearing the word "Movie" in the title in what can only be an ironic sense. These are not movies. These are something a retard child scrawls on the wall in feces and then proudly points out to you.

This film is less intelligent, engaging, entertaining and, crucially, less funny than the films it attempts to lampoon. The plot follows the first two "Twilight" movies closely, sticking to the now-familiar routine of scene-by-scene rehashing over any actual attempt to make the film stand on its own.

"Airplane" used this technique to great effect, using wit, satire, absurdity, surrealism and uniformly deadpan acting to bolster the relentless gag ratio. These muppets wouldn't know satire if it pissed in their face, the gags are surprisingly slow paced, any absurdity is completely fumbled, feeling forced, self conscious and pop-culture obsessed, and there is simply not one instance of wit to be found. They change Jacob Black's name to Jacob White. Is that a fucking joke?

There is one good thing about this film, and that is Jenn Proske's bang-on Kristen Stewart impersonation. Watching this girl absolutely nail every annoying tic and twitch and gasp and sigh, I was reminded of seeing "Scary Movie" for the first time: I remember thinking "That Anna Faris is ace! What's she doing in this god-awful film?" If there's any justice, this film will soon be an embarrassing stain on an illustrious career. Unless Proske just happens to have the exact same mannerisms as Stewart. Oh, and this film makes "Scary Movie" look like a fucking masterpiece.

Usually I try to maintain a vaguely rational and objective stance in my reviews, I try not to make snap judgements or sweeping generalisations, I try to accommodate other potential points of view, but in this case:


Of course, people will say it is only a bit of harmless fun. Not to be taken seriously. It's a comedy, after all. But this is a comedy that isn't funny. There are no laughs whatsoever. It passes straight through "unfunny" and lands somewhere between "boring" and "fucking insulting". It's a movie made by unfunny wank-shafts for unfunny wank-shafts. Are you an unfunny wank-shaft? Then you're gonna love it!



    This is why I like you, summed up in one sentence

  2. Sounds pathetic. The former MST3K guys did a funny MP3 riffing on "Twilight," but unfortunately, to get the gags, you have to watch the actual movie in sync with it.

  3. Sugar: cos I treat movies like an irrational extremist?

    Jack: I would rather watch any of the twilight films than this one again.

    Carolyn: you're welcome..?

  4. Excellent review. The title Vampires Suck - an omninous review in itself.