Saturday, 18 December 2010

Fragments Viewed through a Porthole

There have been a number of films released recently which I haven't been able to sit and watch, so I have only seen random fragments of them through the portholes (that's the observation window-things by the projectors that look out into the auditoria. I'm not on a pirate ship or owt). This is how projectionists see most films, should they not have a chance to run a print-check or staff show. Here are my observations on these movies as they occurred to me, based on the minimal information at my disposal:

THE FOLLOWING MAY CONTAIN SPOILERS, LIES, MISCONCEPTIONS AND NONSENSE.


Tron: Legacy


First impressions:

Some of the scenes are in 2D? Is it gonna be like "The Wizard of Oz", but the real world is 2D and the "fantasy" is 3D?

Fucking hell, the Digital Dude is terrifying. He's supposed to be giving a loving, fatherly smile to his little son, but it looks like he's a fucking robo-zombie who wants to crack the kid's head open and sup his brain-blood!

Why's the kid got posters and memorabilia from the first film all over his room?

The 3D's not up to much.

Olivia Wilde is as pretty as a picture. Of Olivia Wilde.

Oh, this is the bit where he tries to describe the sun.

Garrett Hedlund reminds me of a cross between Christian Slater and the Honey Monster.

His description of the sun as "warm, radiant, beautiful" puts me in mind of Baldrick describing the sea as a "big, blue wobbly thing" in "Blackadder".

Looks like:

a $200 million fan-wank.



Animals United


First Impressions:

Is this "Madagascar 3"? Actually looks more like that other one that flopped. "The Wild" I believe it was.

Is that kangaroo drinking a can of beer?

I don't know what that's supposed to be, but it looks a potential lawsuit lot like the Tasmanian Devil from Looney Tunes.

Now he's drinking beer too.

The CGI is fucking rubbish. It's like watching "Reboot".

The animals seem to be talking about wiping out mankind before we kill them. Maybe I got the wrong end of the stick, that seems a bit dark for a talkie-animal kid-flick.

Nope, they've done it. There's an army of animals marching triumphantly through a deserted Manhattan. Looks a bit "12 Monkeys" to me. Roll credits.

Looks like:

should be called "Animal Uprising" or "Animal Apocalypse" or summat.


Burlesque


First Impressions:

Christina's chebs are hanging out of her dress. I think this is a clever ruse to draw the eye away from the subtly witch-like qualities of her facial features. It's mostly working.

Christina and that dude from "Twilight" are drunk and giggling. Are they gonna get it on? Wait, what certificate is this? Am I gonna see some action?

The "Twilight" geezer's nekkid. I'm sure there was wang on display.

Christina's getting that dress off now!

Oh, no. They're just sharing a chaste kiss and we're fading to something else. Never mind.

I think it's a 12A, and mostly aimed at females, so the core audience is satisfied with "Twilight" bloke's man-chebs. I imagine Christina spends the film in various stages of undress, but frankly, I haven't the time to stand here leering through the porthole all day.

Maybe just a minute or two longer.

There's Cher's alabaster mug. That's put me right off.

Back to work.

Looks like:

I'm perving on Christina Aguilera. I'm not. I'm checking out the focus, rack and volume of the movie. Definitely not checking her out, or focusing on her voluminous rack IN the movie. At all.


Fred: The Movie


First impressions:

This is that thing about some goober from YouTube, innit? Yeah, there he is.

Oh, he's pitch-shifted his voice so that it's all squeaky. And he's gurning and shrieking directly to camera.

God, I bet this gets annoying over an hour and a half.

I'll give it another minute or two.

Twenty-eight seconds later:

OH MY GOD! KILL IT! KILL IT WITH STICKS AND BIG MASSIVE BOMBS!

Looks like:

"Freddy Got Fingered" for tweens.

9 comments:

  1. Even with these 'non focused' reviews, they're brilliant! I can barely put up with the trailer of Fred: The Movie, let alone even attempt to watch it.

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  2. Your reviews are hilarious! I think I'd take much more stock in them than reviews from someone who's seen the whole film. Burlesque looks ridiculous.

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  3. I def. remember Reboot from the back in the day. Awesome show, but I'm wondering if that kind of CGI for this movie was the artistic root taken or where they just being really lazy.

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  4. Wow, that shit-heap Fred went straight to DVD over here. Thank god. And you're pretty much right on with Tron. CGI Jeff Bridges will haunt me til I die (I also love that I thought I was going to be all clever and call him the digital Dude in my review and then you beat me to it!)

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  5. I saw the midnight premiere of Tron and I loved it, but maybe that's because I'm freakishly attracted to Garrett Hedlund...

    The dad/clue's face did freak the hell out of me though, that I did not like.

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  6. Tom: NEVER attempt to watch Fred.

    Abbie: Well, thanks. And Burlesque certainly does look ridiculous.

    Xay: I think the CGI was rope because it's a cheapo European production, not through any stylistic choice!

    Sugar: Great minds and all that... And Digital Dude lives under your bed.

    Nicole: I'm freakishly attracted to Olivia Wilde, but that doesn't make Tron any more appealing!

    Thanks for comments, everyone! Be good!

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  8. Fred is possibly the funniest film I have ever seen. And I haven't even seen it.

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  9. i just cant believe that fred is actually being released on cinima in the uk!!
    ny firend tried to make me watch one of the youtube vids, i wanted to self harm after the first 15 seconds :|

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